‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Welcome to Minnesota

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It’s not very often that a family travels from sunny Palm Springs to overcast Minnesota for vacation. But when the family is a queen bee who hails from Minneapolis and her 11 worker-bee boyfriends who may or may not be looking for 100,000 new Instagram followers, Minneapolis really becomes the only place to be.

Michelle’s arrival in her home state finally brings to the forefront a question that I—and all of her boyfriends, I’m sure—have been quietly pondering all season long: Does Michelle want to, like, live in Minnesota? Does she want to continue being an elementary school teacher there? Does she want to pursue a life with no gummy hair vitamin sponsorships whatsoever? A life not even slightly subsidized by charcoal toothpaste?

I love that Michelle prickled at Martin’s “compliment” that she’s “different” from other girls (more on that donut later). Because Michelle knows that most girls, to quote Hailee Steinfeld, are smart and strong and beautiful. And indeed, Michelle wants to be like (Michelle wants to be like) most girls …

… but in the Bachelor World, Michelle really isn’t like most girls. She may look like the girl in a movie who changes out of her basketball jersey to suddenly reveal that she was a supermodel all along, but when she’s not filming The Bachelorette, Michelle wakes up every day, packs a meal-prepped lunch, laces on a sensible shoe, and heads out to an actual day job. Like the rest of the ladies of Bachelor Nation, she might be open to getting a free mattress if Casper comes calling, or attending a few Revolve events in L.A.—she’s human, isn’t she? But Michelle’s life, as we understand it, seems pretty inflexible. I mean, they had to throw a whole other Bachelorette (one with much more standard-to-the-Bachelor-universe stand-up comedy aspirations) on the bill just to accommodate Michelle’s teaching schedule!

This kind of immovability is highly unusual for a Bachelorette who’s dating people from all over the country, and at some point soon, it needs to be discussed. This is a determining factor the likes of which we haven’t seen since Chris Soules was looking for a wife to mend his farming overalls or whatever. I’m sure Tayshia liked her pre-Bachelor career as a phlebotomist, but I also think she was more than willing to make a transition into “the beauty and lifestyle space” when The Bachelor made that transition available to her.

But I don’t see Michelle hosting. I don’t see Michelle doing a capsule collection of jewel-tone dresses with PrettyLittleThing. Maybe she will (I’d personally love a metallic fuchsia gown), but I also know that on Tuesday night, Michelle told Nayte that her dream is to raise a family on Lake Minnetonka. I know that Michelle waited until she arrived in Minnesota to take her two favorite boyfriends on one-on-ones, and only became more obsessed with them the moment they set foot on her home turf.

The feelings in this season—both for Michelle and from Michelle—have grown so serious and so fast that it seems necessary to start thinking through some logistics. Are Nayte and his full décolletage of tattoos going to move from Austin to a Twin Cities suburb? Is he going to get a precious pair of chunky-leather dad sandals like Michelle’s own father? Is Rodney? Is Rick? (Brandon absolutely would—pick Brandon, Michelle!!!) Having two partners who are both close with their families is all well and good until you have to start splitting up Thanksgivings, you know? And I don’t want Michelle to find herself in a Grocery Store Joe scenario where she suddenly realizes that nobody intends on moving to make this relationship work and is forced to mope around Bachelor in Paradise until a gorgeous 23-year-old takes pity on her soul.

It’s not the worst-case scenario—but it’s not ideal either. And Michelle deserves the very best. So let’s turn our attention to Minneapolis and figure out which boyfriend seems most prepared to strap on their water skis and settle down in the Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Minnesota Joe

When it comes to a seamless transition, Minnesota Joe is the obvious choice for Michelle …

When it comes to speaking multiple sentences out loud and holding sustained eye contact, however, Joe is not quite on Michelle’s level. He may just be the most reserved Bachelorette contestant we’ve ever spent this much time with, and you have to wonder: If Michelle didn’t know who Joe was before he came on her season, could someone this quiet have possibly lasted this long? Personally, I have…



Read More:‘The Bachelorette’ Recap: Welcome to Minnesota

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